In my dream

I had forgotten how I felt when I was near you.
But last night's dream reminded me of it.
Subconsciously I still miss you.
And so do you.
Or else why would you back hug me in my dream
And stare at me for hours.
I felt the rush.
I felt what I had forgotten.
I felt my heart give away a millionth time.
I saw you, you saw me.
May be we fight subconsciously to
Remember what we treasured the most.
I get to fall in love with you
Again and again
Even if it is just in my dream.

Upset

In the midst of chaos,
You are like an unwanted shower.
Drowning me in my own struggle.
The one I am not even sure
why am I having?
Not even sure who am I
Fighting with?
You are like that dark cloud.
Me silently waiting for it to turn into a storm.
But you just shed Grey.
Neither is there a lightening
Nor a thunder.
Disappointing as always.
I am not even sure with whom am I upset?
Is it You for letting me down?
Or me for letting you do it?

Are you happy

'Are you happy now?' He asked.
They saw each other after ages. Both overwhelmed with sadness yet not letting go of their ego. They had to show how perfectly fine they were in their ongoing lives. Yet seeing each other after so long made them weary. She looked beautiful as usual. Her popped up cheeks and a big smile. His silky hair and fair skin. They scanned each other to notice what changed in so many years. Few moments passed but it seemed forever; a contrast to their past where hours seemed like minutes. After a long awkward silence he asked again 'Are you happy?'

She thought hard on this question. Was she happy? This word happiness seemed so fickle. Her life was okay. The storms had quitened, her job was stable,she had a loving partner. But was she happy? She looked at him again. His charms still sending a shiver down her spine. She had missed him for a long time. That's what she wanted to say. 'I missed you. I missed this feeling of always being on my toes. Getting carried away and helplessly being captured by you every single day. Falling hard everytime knowing I'd ruin myself after you. Being hopelessly in love. I miss feeling this way' her thoughts screamed.

He asked for the third time 'Are you happy?' She smiled 'Yes, seeing you today like this unexpectedly. It made me happy'. That was not what he wanted to know. He craved for her long and hard. Not a day had passed initially where she didn't cross his mind. Her long brown tinged hair, rough long hands, her dangling earrings. He was seeing all of this after years and it just seemed so wrong standing there not holding her in his arms.

Panicking that their hidden truth will surface and show on their faces, they said their goodbyes. They walked fast not turning back afraid their old love will get into their present and ruin everything they had worked so hard for. They had indeed toiled every minute of every single day to keep themselves under check, restraining themselves from confessing how miserable they actually were. Years of locking up their insanity and behaving like adults is what they had promised themselves. So they ran again to a place they found themselves alone. She hid behind a wall and he hid behind a tree, gasping and panting and cursing. He cried that day for a long time. She had accepted this fact long back there was no getting over him this lifetime. So she let herself be. She stood silent staring at the dark sky, cause thats how she felt since the day they gave up on each other. Numb.

Lust and love

When lights fall out,
And you are alone foreseeing my thoughts.
Come, grasp my hand and touch my lips
As you see my nervous smile shining
Through the dark.

Let your breaths get heavy,
And your body cave in.
Whisper all you want to say,
Not an ounce be loud.
Hear me shaking,
And let our moans be the only sound.

Be gentle as you hold my face in
your hands,
touch your lips with mine.
Press onto me all so lightly
And ask if I am fine.
Search for the fingers and
Lock them tight.
Make my head spin
And swallow my pride.

Drag me to the wall
And look me in the eyes.
Stare with heavy breathing
And lust full sight.
Brush my hair side,
And wipe those sweat drops off my neck
Get me wrapped in
Those arms so wide.

Let me see you shed off
Your lazy shy self.
Let me feel your heart
Bouncing off your chest,
Yet Trying so hard to control
your struggling mind with
thoughts of intense fest.
Lets step into a war of
Romance, love and lust.
And drop the urge
we have been fighting
Everytime our eyes and heart struck..!

Thanks to you..!

I saw you after ages in some random tag
And all the perseverance I had gathered,
I lost it in a moment and I went blank.
Out of all the people, I could throw away
Your existence kept knocking
And my heart sank.
Ages of trying to leave all behind
I walk four steps ahead but
I take one step back.
This heart, oh my poor heart.
Naive and soulful
Now so close to becoming a rock.
Cause I wear my cold side on my sleeve
And to so many I don't give a damn.
Thanks to you I learnt this.
To keep the ones
Who embrace my numb heart close.
Who wants to stay will stay,
no matter how
indecisive someone becomes.
But then even if they get tired
and decide to leave,
I know I will be alright.
Nothing gets to me now.
Neither anyone's presence nor their absence.
I defeated in me all the wars.
Thanks to you my dear!
I have become a stone.
And the credit is all yours.

Love myself

Shall I run away?
Shall I walk away?
And be with someone who matters the most.

Can I just be with me?
And not be judged.
May be I will come back for you some
other day.
May be I will watch you be happy some
other time.

Can I have all of me?
Little less tiring and little
less exhausting.
Not much work and not much pain.

Can I love only me?
Not carry someone else's responsibility.
But if I do this will anyone understand
Or I will be labeled as a selfish bitch.

I am never lonely when I am alone
But being with people is hard.
It's work and it's so tiring.

Who will understand?
Being on your own and
Not feeling lonely
Is the biggest gift you can
give to yourself.

Call me..!

So you are having a hard time
To let just the day pass by,
And you think of me in despair.
You look at your phone
And almost dial my tone
To realize we left our comfort
years ago.
Don't wander alone
Keeping me in your soul.
Even if I am not your love anymore
I know I am your home.

So pick up the phone and
Dial my tone.
Say some time of yours I need.
I will listen patiently,
No anger, no hatred.
No fights, no regrets.
Pour your sorrow and
Breathe again.
Don't wander alone.
Keeping me in your soul
Even if you are not my love anymore
I know I am your home..!

Someday

Someday, long long from now
After years have passed,
And we are done with life.
Let's meet on such a day where we are happy.
Let's be calm and smile then.
Let's laugh at our mistakes and
Say life didn't feel complete.
Let's say we regret letting go.
Let's cry all the decades of sadness
we lived thinking how the other has been.
Let's be honest, say sorry
And pray someday we live together
the years we spent longing.
Let's meet on such a day and be happy,
A bit more happy with a flustered heart.
Till then, till then let's trap our hearts
living a life distant.
Hoping one day, someday
we meet on a random path,
Embracing our last moment,
our last glances and
Resting our emptiness from this life.
Someday, long long from now
when we are done with life.

Cry a million tears..!

The desperation dripped from his eyes,
Begging her to stay.
But the one who hurts most, moves on the quickest.
Her hatred grew strong than her love
And it conquered all.
His defeat was evident.

She keeping her distance was his biggest punishment.
There was a time when he needed space,
And now that space itself became his suffocation.
He begged and begged.
She was too broken.
'Cry' she said.
'Cry a million tears.
Cry till you loose your soul.
Then may be, may be you'll come a mile closer to my despair.
Cry, you fool.
Cry a million tears.'

He awed his own creation.
He pushed her too far into evil.
His pain was simple,
She was an angel to all, but a devil to him.
His pain was simple,
She lost all their good memories
And he started living on them.

Rose cursed us

Scars and thorns
Must have hurt less,
We were worse to ourselves
Than them.
Even the withered rose
must have felt at ease looking at us.
'Fools' , it must have called us;
' I lived and died with my thorns,
they were my protection
But you two, you pricked each other
Till nothing more was left
for your heart to bleed.
You were each other's poison.'

Next life

Next life, next life let's switch our roles.
I be you, and you be me.
I will find all the excuses to leave
And you struggle to hold me keep.
Next life, feel what I have felt
All the love and despair.
Next life, you struggle to keep your insanity
Waiting and wondering what my next step be.
Next life, feel me as you
And see if you can forgive me.

He dared

We saw a guy drunk walking in the middle of the road with no expressions. Probably hoping somebody would drive over him. People around yelled at him only I sympathized. I could understand him. We both wished the same but only he had the guts to walk on the road.

She mourned with hatred.!

She mourned with hatred
Life wasn't that hard, yet it
just was not interesting anymore.
The scenarios seemed dragged and so
the people around.
Not one made her heart easy,
Not one got her to be at peace.
She wandered with no smile,
comforting that she herself was enough.
May be she was, and so she didn't want
to be with the beings.
It was just so easy that way.
Be responsible for yourself,
Why wasn't it that easy?
Telling people to live by their own
And to leave her alone for a long time.
Why wasn't this easy?
Why do relationships always come with
unnecessary commitments?
She wandered hoping not to be found.
Angry and disappointed
She sat back, as for now this is all
she could do.
Fighting unnecessary pain.
Hoping to live even when it felt
as though she is dying inside.

Staring into the ocean, I saw her!

She sat there. Headphones in her ears and I gazed her from where she couldn't see me. She was staring into the bliss I suppose the ocean got her into. It seems that she remembered someone listening to the song the headphones played. She was aloof, not bothered by the idea  who passed her by. Even from a distance I could see her shedding tear from just one eye. I wondered why was it just an eye? I had  never seen someone so indifferent as if she was in conflict with herself. She had the look of being found as well as lost. What was with her? I gazed from afar. Curious to go and ask her what was she so sad about and yet so Content ? Why was she a contrast? I couldn't take my eyes off her? She seemed as a confident girl searching for something even she didn't know existed. I looked from miles away waiting for her to notice. All she did was stare at the ocean drinking a beer. She asked her friends to leave. I stood there gazing at her as she lost her self in the waves and some music. I wondered what bothered her so much. To me she was like that cold breeze with a cold heart trying to find answers but ending up asking questions itself. I thought how sad were her friends to feel helpless as she asked them to leave. What was with her? Being alone not once she let go of the songs. Seems they comforted her more than people. Gazed at her not from long but couldn't help wanting to ask her so many questions! But for now I was content not disturbing her peace, her struggle to be by herself. I thought I should give her that much. Wishing her a good luck from faraway I waited till she left her feet soaking wet in the sand. Whoever she was, however she was I wanted to tell her that it was okay. Whatever it was, you are okay as long as you don't forget to breathe.

This song Reminds me of you..!

A song that reminds me of our good memories..
Finally I can remember our good moments.
This song my dear makes me want to make peace with you.
It draws me to the times I laughed my heart with you.
It draws me to those silent nights I slept in peace with you.
'We were meant to be' is what the song says,
I agree my lost love.
I can feel you through this song.
'You smile, your touch, your voice and each detail I could study' is what the song says; and foolishly I remember you.
It soothes the storm your thoughts get.
And the unpleasant emotions are somehow changed to the ones where I have been okay being so exposed.
It makes me wana come to you,
To be less uncomfortable, less egoistic and less hurt.
Our story didn't have a happy ending but
this song, this song makes me want to tell you that there should not be an end to us.
We can be present for each other without defining anything.
But when this song ends, so does those pleasing thoughts.
I comfort myself by saying lets not enter into a zone whose consequences we don't know.
I feel everything, yes I do.
But lets not let this song ruin the distance we have now.
Lets be happy momentarily in those shady good memories.
Lets be present in each other's absence.

At 3am

I am terrified of myself.
The one thing I could do So easily,
Why has it become so hard to do?
At 3am I am anxiously pacing
On the terrace not knowing how
I feel!
I am trying to breathe and I am panting
Trying to get all choked up.
But the tears don't seem to run.
What have I lost?
Is this me being a bipolar.
Or I constantly see myself in mania.
Or is it that nothing seems happy or
Sad enough!
Anxious at 3am, the rain is giving me the chills.
I am dying to cry but I feel
Like a desert who has eaten up its oasis.!
Or else why would I be staring at empty roads not knowing,
Not knowing why am I this
restless at 3am.!

I am hurting

I am hurting.
I am burning but not a pinch of pain
I feel.
It seems
I am on fire in water...!

I am sinking.
And the struggle for air is not that hard
But I want to hit rock bottom.
I want to breathe while drowning..!

That feeling of jumping of the edge.
Standing on a cliff I want to push myself.
I console me, its to fly.
Insane me. I want to soar while falling down..!

I am my contrast.
I am my regret.
I am my life and I am my death.

Monsoon

The sky cried heavy today
She saw it from her window..
Monsoons- The season she hates..
Trying to reason out why?

Just as the storm out there..
She hopes it floods her heart
And destroys it to the extent
Nothing grows again..
That it becomes a swarm
Useless and not walked upon..

She doesn't remember when
It came to hating monsoon so much..
There are memories she suppressed..
And there are memories she can't remember..
Which one got her to despise it..

The lightening roars and she ain't
A bit scared..
She is as cold as pouring rain..
She doesn't cry anymore
Is she jealous of the clouds
Who can shed tears and she
Has forgotten how to..

May be she hates monsoon
Because she finds herself so similar to it..
The chaos it gets.. Just as inside her.
The loud thunder.. Just as inside her..
The inability to see things clear.. Just as her..
To be loved by few and to be hated by few..
Not knowing whom to destroy..
Or destroy what comes in the way..
She resembles the Monsoon..
May be that's why she hates it to the core..
Only if she loved her chaos
Only if she loved her monsoon..

Wait

I remember you,
I remember waiting on new years eve
for your call to wish me,
I wanted to start the year listening to your voice..
So I waited and hours passed by
Sun rose and came another day without
Knowing your whereabouts.

If I ask you what you remember of me?
I know you will say all our good times.
If you ask me what I remember about you?
All I remember was me waiting.
From dusk to dawn, day after day
All I remember was me waiting.

It didn't seem to end.
There were times I thought you'd
Just surprise me by your unannounced
Visit.
I imagined in my head how that would be
So I waited.
There were times when I hallucinated. Staring at your look-a-like faces,
I thought you passed by.
And I cried every day.
Million times my phone rang
And every time I hoped
It was you calling.
But you never did.
So I waited.
Day after day
Months after months.
Every occasion and every normal day.
I waited like a fool.
And you never came.
This is what I remember of you.
It was tiring.
I waited for so long.

Rains

Every year the first rains
bottled up my sorrow
And I cried a river full of tears..
This time it seems
There is nothing more to grieve over..
So I cried dried up tears....

This is love

Dream away he said,
Soar high and do what
you have to do,
You will always have me
to fall back on!!
If this is not love, what is!!

I am not a robot!

I love you is so simple to say,
But what happens when you realize
What those words truly mean.
How bluntly there were times
when you said it without knowing
What it really feels.

May be you need to loose a few times
To know the passion those words
really bring.
To have experienced pain of loosing it
to the world,
To have to let it go when all you want to do is endure it.
To have to say goodbye when you desperately seek their presence
wherever you go.

I love you! I have said it a few times
But when was the last time I truly
meant it.
Losses are meant to scar.
And love is meant to heal them.
But then there are times when
you are someone else's love
And someone else's sadness.
What do you then?
Whom do you pick?
Answers just don't come by
and when they come by
either the timing is wrong
Or the world has set its
irreversible phase.

You are stuck forever wondering
Will you ever get one chance to
make it right?
And by fate if you'd get one
Will you make the same mistake again?

Your Absence

So tell me
How it is that your day goes by?
My absence
Has it made any difference?
Giving you a chance to
Live through what I
Have been living for ages...!
But I know
How indifferent you can be.!
It didn't matter then
It won't matter now..
The void will stay
no matter the glamor life carries around..
You haven't missed me
The way I had missed you..!
Every second stabbed the beating
Heart only to bleed and bleed tears..
You will not know the price
I have paid to love you..
Neither will you acknowledge
How the absence takes away
the bits and pieces of soul
Wanting to be rescued,
Only to realize the more I tried
To free myself
The more I sunk in destruction ,
And the less you and your presence
mattered.

Thoughts for soul

'Change' can never define love..

Neithr can 'adjustments'..

Dramas of love

Of all the dramas I have been
Seeing these few days,
I love the ones where they held
On to their love against all odds.
I still watch it in awe
These scenes the actors enact
Resembling glimpses of true love.
How hypnotized I feel when
They walk at the heels to catch another
Given if they fall.
These little acts of romance
These cheezy lines of enchantment
The jealousy, excitement, fling,
Flirtations.. The story.
They make you fall in love with
The idea of love.
It makes love more believable.
Something even the ordinary
Can Behold
To believe in the naive essence of
What belief and perseverance can get you.

Only if you truly possess the lunacy
you can always persuade
your insanity to the one
Who Makes your heart flutter,
Who makes you wanna wake
Up day after day
And survive the war of loneliness
I see people fight each day.

Tinge of sadness

Love comes with a tinge of sadness..
You have been replaced truly
By what I've always wanted..
Someone I truly deserve..
Yet you shadow the glee sunshine
And your thought surfaces
The darkness I try and keep buried..
I don't at times know what
Has become of me..
This person afraid of commitments..
I wasn't this..
I believed in love
And the happiness love got..
Now love comes with a tinge of sadness...
Yet I cherish it..
I have got the perfect one..
I don't want to be to him
What you have been to me....!

Silent tears

"I am leaving" she said to him on phone. "Meet me one last time please" he begged her. "Alright" she said.
He opened the door. There she was, standing in silence. Looking at him in despair. He gestured her to come in. A deep silence that had gripped their hearts now seem to have spread in the room. An hour passed. All they did was stare at each other waiting for the other one to break down. No one of the two showed any remorse. She gave a smile and got up to leave. The time had come. He held her hand and gestured her to sit. She sat on his lap, slowly tilting her head on his chest. Her legs brought up on the couch. He held her as if he held a baby,tightly clenching her around by his both hands. And they cried for hours together in silence. Tears rolling down their eyes drop after other. The universe had given up on them a long time ago. This sadness was their only shelter, a sheild they used to breathe in every emotion. Remembering each other every day and not doing anything about it. Neither they looked at each other, nor they consoled each other. They just sat there destroying every bit of their soul that was still alive. He cried in silence. She cried in silence. She left. He closed the door trying to soak in what it felt to hold her. He remembered that feeling again. His hands trembling. He knew he had lost.

Deleted

I have lost the count of
The number of times
I have deleted you...
Unfelt your presence..
Unlearned the memories..
Forgot the love..
Embraced the pain..
Blocked your thoughts..
Time to block you again for
the millionth time...
And the last time...
Should have done it ages ago..
But my good got over me.
Over time my weak memory
Had deleted the distress
And sadness you brought..
Life never makes you forget though..
And we get reminded of our mistakes
Time and again..
I love who I am now..
Strong, independent and fearless..
Of all you should be the last person
Telling me who I should be..
God saved me from a disaster..
For this I thank him
A zillion times...
You need to be buried..
This and all Other lifetimes..
You have met me here..
Don't follow elsewhere..
Time to burn it,
Delete it,
Block it,
Forget it,
Regret it,
Bury it
Now and forever....

Old diaries

Some mistakes
And a few repent..
Quite some lives they change..
Come back to say sory..

but will few griefs it mend?
One forgets, forgives and moves on..
Yet they say after a long time I am still  hanging on..

My Game

I will always keep my guard up.
You'll never know
the truth behind all the words.
Traveled and yet stagnant,
Your fragrance I will always remember;
But won't confront till
I'd get over you.
It will always be you, though
I'll deny it a million times.
The guard has to be up,
That's my rule.
This game of words is mine love,
I can't let you win,
When you made me loose.

Wage A War

I feel you,
Presence carved into the deepest wall
Of my soul...
So as every try to love another
Goes in vain...
The tied and trapped
Lovers aren't we...
Lost like the treasures of great kings,
We lost each other; treasures in itself.
Be it your fault or mine..
In the end we wandered.
Exactly what the universe wanted..
We should have battled..
Waged a war with the imbecile universe..
How dare it'd attempt to bring this on one soul..
My soul..
Why did we let it get to us?

Should I change my name..
Or hide yours from everyone..
How can I?
Everytime I bleed, I still bleed you..
The darkness dwells and the cold moon
Teases every time I try and leave..
I am caught with you somewhere..
There is no freeing from this emotion..
One scratch on you ever..
I'd still destroy everything that breathes..

Lost aren't we to all..
There is nowhere to go now.
There is no in between.
Only till this soul leaves the bone and flesh..
You said we aren't together this lifetime,
But in all the others after, I'd be yours..
Take me love.. Take me to this other lifetime..
And this time tie your soul to mine...
So the universe knows there are no two..
Next lifetime I'd be waiting..
And dare you'd escape..
I didn't burn the world this time..
But I'd burn the universe then...

Damaged

The trivial emotions ransacked
With burden not so great.
I have seen people with bigger disasters.
There is no coming back home this year.

I'd pass the gates and glare through windows out the house.
Love I'd feel but no more.
Regardless of the attachment
Who'd thought I'd abandon my own.

Reckless, unforgiving and heartless
The bitch I can be.
Choosing between love and relationship.
Nothing prevails.
Only sins and forever guilts.
No matter the choice
The damage will be forever.
I'd be this unsettled soul
Forever asking for forgiveness.

Q & A

What's your biggest fear? He asked.
Encroachment, I said.
The fear that slowly someone will
take over my life and I will loose myself again.

What you resent the most? He asked.
Dependence, I said.
I resent the thought that I'd not be able to look after myself. Not financially dear. I meant emotionally.

What's your biggest regret? He asked .
Year's ago I didn't ask someone what exactly went wrong. Not that we'd be together. But to acknowledge the other side of this failed story.

What do you despise? He asked.
Attachment, I said.
Nothing good comes out of it. Every person for themselves. People are just companions for the journey called life.

What is your biggest asset? He asked.
Oh a few I have I said.
Perseverance, empathy and patience.
Perseverance cause I never give up. That comes when you believe you are not perfect, and you make mistakes and the fact that you still believe in yourself despite those mistakes.
Empathy as I know I have to give back to the world what it has given me.
Patience as nothing comes easily. Nor money, fame, success, relationships and neither mental peace.

What do you love? He asked.
Me, I said.

Questions...

Precious unpredictable life they say,
Living, awake and breathing I say ,
Where is your soul they ask,
Lost trying to live I say..
Lost trying to stay awake I say..
Lost trying to breathe I say...

Millions of life I see
How many carry their souls in harmony I ask,
A few they say,
So why did the millions loose it I ask,
We have no answer they say.

I say; No one understands no one...
We loose it all in the end..
Neither the blood relations help
Nor the ones made by choice..
The journey sour or sweet
In a trillion years won't matter..
So why the fuss you make, I ask
To make your tomorrow safe, they say

I laugh, What tomorrow..
I know no tomorrow..
Let me Breathe please just for today..
Let me find my soul I beg..
Life takes a toll
And ultimately we loose..
Please let me loose with dignity..
I say,
You can't, they say..
Why? I ask.
Cause we gave you life they say.

I stare at the absurdity.
Lost I have my soul Yes
But now I loose my life too..
Precious unpredictable as it is..
Goodbye I say to all...

Let me cry

Passing by life with the speed of light,
Flashes of past and present
Intertwined with confusion.
I have fought these battles head on,
And now the scars burn away day in and day out.
For now let me cry all my silent tears..

Let me drown into the turmoil
Of destruction..
Waging a war with myself
Be defeated and smothered
By my own hands
To loose not to others
But myself...
For now let me cry a thousand tears...

There is no black and white
There is no right and wrong
All that prevails are circumstances
And your own zones of Grey..
For now let me cry and cry
and cry my soul out...
Let me cry my silent repressed tears...