How I am what I am?

I sit at peace,
Happy and content.

With less to worry
and less to stress.
Not very often I be this calm.
Not very often I feel this serene.
And yet my heart has a zillion questions
as to 'How I am what I am?

I see my past
torturous and painful.
And I look at the people I left behind.

How is it that I don't feel what I felt then?
How is it that I have learnt not to give a damn?
How is it that I care so less?
How did I get out of the fanatical mess?

I only say 'Hi' to once whom I said 'I love you'
I unfriended  my one time best friend.
I stopped keeping a tab about their existence
and I have mastered the art to care less.

How did once so important are

now put on 'Move on' list,
My mistakes or theirs;
How did I learn to be okay?
I think...
Now I think..
What if they deserved another chance?
What if I had not been in such a hurry?

But then I think of their sharp words,
I think of their bitter deeds.
I think of their cold replies
and their other oh so essential needs.

My mistakes or theirs;
I seek for closure. 

To leave what is left of what it was.

To unburden the guilt of what was not to be.
They deserved polite goodbyes

to make myself come at peace.

And here I am with all the answers

to 'How I am what I am?



 

A Silver Lining.

Good things are about to happen. Somehow I can sense it.
Happiness is around the corner waiting to knock.
'Enough' life said. 'Enough of your emotional turmoils. You deserve some peace after all. I am here to get back your smile. I am here to bring back your faith in me. I am here to give you what you wished for'.
Life said 'I am your fairy godmother.'

May Be I Am Cursed

I find all my smile in tears,
cause that's all I have ever known.
and I fear happiness to the extent
I think may be it's just cursed.

I fear of being happy
I fear to laugh till the stomach hurts
I fear not crying
I fear when the days go smooth.

So I wait for the storms.
I wait for my life to give
a nice unexpected tumble.
I wait and evaluate who next closest to me
is going to hurt me in best way possible.

And there I am again fighting the unknown.
and there I am again tossing and turning
Battling my two minds, splitting myself.
Battling to hold on.
Battling to let go.
and it's exhausting.
These battles are exhausting.
This life is exhausting.
I am exhausting.