May Be I Am Cursed

I find all my smile in tears,
cause that's all I have ever known.
and I fear happiness to the extent
I think may be it's just cursed.

I fear of being happy
I fear to laugh till the stomach hurts
I fear not crying
I fear when the days go smooth.

So I wait for the storms.
I wait for my life to give
a nice unexpected tumble.
I wait and evaluate who next closest to me
is going to hurt me in best way possible.

And there I am again fighting the unknown.
and there I am again tossing and turning
Battling my two minds, splitting myself.
Battling to hold on.
Battling to let go.
and it's exhausting.
These battles are exhausting.
This life is exhausting.
I am exhausting.