pushed me off the edge!!

winter got a cold sore on my heart
the burns were meant to heal
yet here they are as fresh as new
all thanks to you!!!!

the distances seem good
somehow they ease the ache...
no one had to confront
no one had to explain....

there are no proper goodbyes
i won't be able to give any..
the misery you have caused
indebted forever i will be...

you pushed me off the edge
but the bruises pained less
then the broken heart..
it was kind of you to
not respond back
or else what would force me to
take my own walk....

torn in two worlds!!!

she stood silent..  numb and lonely.. she pushed herself far from the crowd.. the ignorant crowd.. the soul less  people.. she always thought she'd fit in with them.. but they were too heartless to see her purity... her caring thoughts.. her selfless deeds..
               from the start she knew she was far too matured then her mates.. they all were too clingy to life's mess and she could always move on.. they used to curse if they were hurt and she used to pray for them .. her friends sorted for revenge and she forgiveness...
               she stood there confused... figuring out what was wrong... her good side or this world.. cause no matter how much she tried.. she ended up hurt and betrayed... it was the one of those defining moments.. where she didn't know where she belonged...to the ruthless people in whom she always tried to see the good or the world of saints who always told her to do what's right...
               she trusted cause she thought everyone needs to get a chance to show who they are.. she believed because she thought that way she could get hold of good people.. but in the quest of finding the good she lost herself to the turmoil of the right and wrong... the good and bad... she lost the power to believe.
            she looked at the hustle and bustle of the cars down street,people chatting  their way home.. and then she looked at the stars up.. calm and serene...  blinking for her as if she owned them... she felt the void... she felt divided into two worlds.. down there her existence seemed so worthless.. up here she waited to embrace her doubts cause she knew she could see beyond what existed... the truth beyond lies... the reasons behind life's every defining moments... she knew she had to wait to get the answers of life.. there was more to what she already knew... but it wasn't the time yet.. she wasn't ready.. the quest wasn't over...
           when she looked into herself her pain eased, her hurts healed... she had read a lot about spirituality.. but she wasn't sure whether what she was experiencing now was a part of it.. cut off from the noise she was at peace with everything.. what she felt seemed ecstatic.. a state of trance where emotions mattered less... the journey mattered more...
           she knew she was different.. born as a human but with an ability to seek good... for the people and for self.... yet the void was not completely gone.. and she still had her doubts... she still had to go back to the real world where she wasn't sure she belonged.. in a way she neither belonged to the common people nor the saints.. but someday,sooner or later she will have to take a decision.. she will have to make a choice between the two... the common people or the enlightened souls.... neither of which promises an easier journey.  

men!!

i wonder why the caption  "women are so difficult to understand"  such a frequently used popular phrase... i mean who said guys aren't? they are equally difficult to get..
                    they come with cute lovee dovee surprises first, make you fall in love and then take you for granted.. it makes us think a lot.. for example are they actually serious about us,are they goofing around or they just going with the flow.. we  never know.. and when you question them about their integrity, they have all the right excuses and cheesy dialogues to cover up their thoughts "just because i don't call you often doesn't mean i don't love you,it's not that i am in love with someone else". bamn!!! and that's exactly what makes us think you are with someone else.
                   they never get the small things, everything has to be explained. for them it's weird that we pay attention to little details... actually when they are dealing with their girlfriend, details shouldn't matter.. just once try and tell that to your wife later... tell her its ok that she can keep the house as messy as she wants or its alright if she forgets to put salt in your dish or she doesn't notice what your dearest mommy likes or dislikes!! guys we pay attention to details that's what makes your house look good when you come home after a tiring day!!
                 regarding emotions men are equally complex.. they don't understand how they feel, in case they know how they feel they don't know how to react, when they do react its absurd,when they realize its absurd they come and apologize..by the time they come its almost always too late... and then they start blaming themselves all over again.. and that's when the wasted and boozing phase comes... and they say women are complicated!!
                 their problem with us is that we think a lot.. and our problem with them is that they don't think at all!! and we do put up with lot's of your stuff too.. we understand the breakdown when your favourite team doesn't win, when your interview doesn't go good, when you want time with your friends alone, when your play station is not working and you are soaked in grief...
                the thing i want to say is that its not always we women who are complex and complicated.. you men are too.. but just in different ways.. the only difference is that we accept you with your faults... and not make a caption of your shortcomings and blame everything on it!!  

take me in your arms!!

undo my every emotion,take me in your arms
let me believe in peace, take in your arms
let the tears be wiped of the shirt you wear;
i have waited enough, just take me in your arms.....

hold me close and kiss me on my forehead
break the silence,kiss me on my forehead
let me know you too were tired of the wait;
i need to feel the love, just kiss me on my forehead....

long were the nights when you were gone
hard was the walk when you were gone
autumn love seemed so much grey
needless the world seemed, when you were gone....

now that you are here, please don't leave
love needs careless moments, please don't leave
i have lost the patience, i might wither away
hold my hand i need you to stay....

"yeah!! a long distance relationship"

"yeah, a long distance relationship" she said angrily "and why is it so hard for all of you  to accept. i am happy in one. why is it bothering you so much?" her eyes wide. she was tired of  confronting and explaining it to every one. he on the other hand was not expecting such a harsh emotion. the pleasant friendly conversation had suddenly turned into a rebel.

                it wasn't the first time eyebrows were raised when she mentioned she was in a long distance relationship. the classic typical look of surprise on every ones faces. at first she loved the way they reacted,made her feel different from the usual dating crowd but now somehow it had started getting annoying.

               "no tell me, she scowled at her friend "what's the big deal in it?". he had his doubts ready and clear. he started "well,they never last anyways. you people are miles apart, there's no romance,not many mushy moments. you cant hold hands when you want to neither can you see each other every day. you keep waiting for his return. i mean ain't that exclusively so cliché and boring". 

                she listened to all he had to say patiently,smiled and said "yeah its cliche,yeah its boring. but when i am getting down the bus and see him waiting there anxiously staring at the door just to see me step down,the smile his face owns when our eyes meet after months of waiting. priceless!! you think he would be that excited if i would meet him every other day. and for the romance its not always about the physical relationship my dear. he knows and understands when i say i miss him or when he says he misses me. its not made up.we actually do. i know he means the good night kisses when he gives me one cause he doesn't get to place it on my lips every night. the romance my dear is when he will find every opportunity to catch my hand when he is walking with me.its not every day he gets to let me know he is always there for me. we wait for our moments together cause when we are miles apart they are all we have. we do have our mushy moments,though few, they stay longer in our memories."

                she looked at her friend thought she convinced him enough but it wasn't so easy to pacify him. his doubts continued, " okay say in other scenario what if he eventually met someone at his place and realize its not working for you two.he might two time you.he might cheat on you. how do you even trust what he says when there is a whole possibility he might be lying."

                 somehow she knew that would come up. faith is always an issue and she had her answer ready "trust, that's the best part of long distance relationships. you just cant question loyalties here. its all blind faith. well if he had to cheat,two time me do you think he would waste his energy,time just for a phone call from me,got upset in case i forgot to buzz him "i am awake,good morning"  we trust each other no matter what because we have no other choice. and that's good. i don't go scrolling his contact lists,inbox every other day or even when we meet.we don't have time for foolish stuff like that. we don't be pain in the ass for each other cause we don't nag each other 24*7. we enjoy our own space, our privacy.and about meeting someone else.. that's a part of destiny we can't control. believe me a guy would never go through the pain of long distance relationship for years unless he was really serious about you. what more you want than the surety that the relationship means something.".                                                                                                                                                   
                 he drew himself into silence.she on the other hand was smiling to herself cause somehow she had unknowingly explained herself how lucky she was.. she no longer cared what her friend was thinking, or if she convinced him .. it was just enough for her that she was happy in a long distance relationship!!

keep faith !!

I know you are worried....

i know you have doubts....

But just hold my hand....

and let life sort it out....

we have memories to make....

and risks to take........

I never said everything will be easy....

but it wont always be difficult....

Just look into my eyes.. 

I assure you our luv is enough to make everything alright.... 

Just keep faith....

we have just one life.......

we cant forever wait...........

Goodbye!!

 Standing there staring at his name she thought of all the good times. He made her laugh to the extent that she would flip out of her chair. He loved her hair. The way he played it with his soft fingers,tugging them away every time it covered her face. His light brown mesmerizing eyes that would cast a love spell impossible to resist. He was so perfect, attentive to her every move, always reading her mind, knowing her thoughts as they came. He had the perfect smile to get her back from her grumpy grievous side..
                        It's the way he planned those perfect moments and anniversaries, giving her stories to make her female friends envious. And so secretly proud was she of that. He was her life, her comfort, her soul.
                         She stood there staring at his grave. Hoping he would somehow hug her from behind and say it was just a joke. He had played such a prank before  and he knew how much it had hurt her. Yet like a fool she turned around to see if he would be standing there, pointing and laughing at her.
                        The reason for her visit this time was different. Not that she stopped missing him or something but this time she was angry at him. She had stormed out of her house, drove all the way just to tell him that she was angry. He had made her life too easy,happy and perfect. He had loved her too much and now she was forced to live without it. His perfect love didn't allow her to move on, didn't allow her to feel and fall in love again. Cause every time she tried she landed up comparing those amateurs to his love and their love seemed so naive. Time and again this would happen and that she was tired of the loneliness
                     She shouted, cried, explained. She spoke her mind. She spoke her heart. Tired of life, tired of missing him; she wept on his grave....
                     After a while, after all the complaints and hate, the storm in her receded. Suddenly she felt the guilt. She felt as if she betrayed him complaining his love was too perfect. How could she be so selfish? She had turned his perfect love into a tool for her anger, an excuse to try and get back at him so she could get on with her life..
                      She stood there staring at his name. Hoping that he would be listening, her eyes wet asking for forgiveness. The anger all gone but her soul wrapped in guilt, she felt horrible. It was time she knew to say her last goodbye. She always feared the moment, the fact that she would never have the guts to do it. But she had to learn to let go. Not giving into the guilt she kissed his grave, smiled at him and said goodbye.
                     She stood there for a moment embracing the grief one last time. Gave him the last look of love hoping he would forgive her and that he would be at peace. She turned her back and slowly walked away from the only man she loved. The man who taught her perfect love.  

a moment of appreciation!!

yes!! i know we had our bad patch.. but we did have our happy stories.. it doesn't matter to me whether we drifted apart, hurt each other or turned our back when one of us needed to hold on.. we have been there for each other a number of times.. and that's what i am proud of...
                  i am proud that we could work out on our differences, i am proud that despite many of our senseless behaviour we had the courage to confront them, we had the courage to say sorry.. to realize no matter what life had destined we didn't turn out to be those people who cursed each other forever..
                 i am just happy that i made the right choices in life.. i made a right choice being with you...          
                 making  relations work is a part of life.. sometimes they just don't.. i cant justify why..we all have our own reasons... being with you taught me a lot.. not being with you taught me the most.. i don't regret fate.. it was never ours... but am glad we accepted what came and moved on..
                 its nice to know the care,the concern still exists... that we can still laugh at each others mistakes... its nice to know it wasn't just a fluke.. that i can still count on you... that we can still be friends..
                 it was a great journey... indeed.. a roller coaster ride... thrilling and nerve breaking... even though it has ended it has left us with a smile...

it won't work

"No,it won't work" he said."Our families have nothing in common and i personally don't think us getting married is a good idea." 
                  she stood there silent and still. marriage was not even on her list. not yet. all she wanted was to make this work but every time he would come up with ideas to blow her out. she was tired of holding on.she was tired of thinking one day he will notice what he meant for her.
                 "okay,but it was you who had said few years back that everything will be fine,that we will work it out with our parents. you had promised me you will see to it" she was almost on the verge of tears. her eyes holding on to the big pearly drops as if they were precious. she didn't want to seem weak and ugly. he hated when she cried.
                 "i am sorry" he said. "things were different then. i was too young and i didn't think this through." there was no hint of hurt in his eyes. he seemed so stable. he spoke as if it wasn't his fault.
                 she stood quiet cause she knew she was far away from convincing him. may be this time she didn't want to convince him. far long back his proposal seemed like a cinderella story. she was  the lady in gown, the lucky one to see him bow down to his knees to tell her he loved her. he even promised her happily ever after. so much for that she laughed in her head.now  here he is saying "it won't work".
                 "goodbye then"she said. and those stupid drops had to trickle down her cheeks. she waited so that he could hold her close and wipe them one last time.but he didn't.he stood there watching her. she looked into his eyes trying to find that one look of sadness. but he seemed normal and that ached her heart. was she the only one in pain. it couldn't hurt more.
                 she left. didn't look back. she hated herself for making a wrong choice. anything works if you want it to work  she thought. but the damage was done.
                 then suddenly her phone beeped. a text message from him " turn around idiot. did you really think i was gonna let you go"

a conversation: 2

he: "my mom was saying you are a good girl. She really likes you."
she: "ofcourse, she will cause i am !!"
he: "hahaha.. Someone should ask me that. I cover you up a lot in front of people. Make you look good!!"
she: what!
he: "yeah! ask me the real you."
she: "you never find anything good in me. you always have to look for my mistakes."
he: yes!! always!! who else will??