To My Future Me....!!!

To my future me,

I hope you stand for yourself just as I have taught you now. Be the person you always wanted to be. Be strong, Be compassionate. Don't give up on your dreams. Don't give into your fears. Don't hold on to the people who didn't believe in you.  Let go of the people who didn't choose you. Be successful but don't choose money over love. Don't take the easy way out. Fight your way. You have done it before, you are doing it now and in future if circumstances arise fight then too.
               Hey future me, I love you, no matter how stubborn you act, no matter how lazy you be at times, how emotionless you show yourself to be. Don't wait for anyone to complete you. Go out, drink wine, watch movies and take a break time to time. Be with the guy who sees the light inside of you. Kiss him goodnight every single night. Never forget to tell him how much you love him and that how much good he has got in your life.
              I hope you laugh your heart out. I hope you travel places, feel the green wind and beautiful blue waters.  I hope you dance around your living room to your favorite song and call up your friend to catch up. I hope you take a stroll out on rainy days just to smell the rain. Wear the kind of  dress you want and go to a party.I hope amidst all your busy schedule you always find time for your small family. I hope you return home to your kids everyday and ask them how was your day.
              Be happy dear. Let only a few people's opinion matter rather than the entire world's. Find these people and keep them safe. Be good. Make a difference. Always give a helping hand to the ones who need it. Don't give up on people. Don't give up on your faith and never leave hope. I wish  you get over your pain and forgive your mistakes. Share your burden my dear. And ever you feel you are getting lost come back to read this letter.
              Hey future me, be that person with whom I will fall in love a million times.
   

To My Valentine....

"You are my Valentine,
And you will always be."
Yes I have said this,
Well and the truth is
I have heard this before..
I have felt being ripped off and
I have been sore.....
So I don't need you to promise
love,
I need you to just be there...
I need not your gifts... I need your
heart...
I want you to be present with me
From an end to a start.....

So this Valentine's don't,
Don't gift me or surprise me....
This Valentine's just feel the love
and my presence.
Feel my dreams and make them yours..
Love me for my mistakes..
Love me for my self...
Love me to not show off to the
world....
Love me because you cannot find a
reason not to.....

  

How I am what I am?

I sit at peace,
Happy and content.

With less to worry
and less to stress.
Not very often I be this calm.
Not very often I feel this serene.
And yet my heart has a zillion questions
as to 'How I am what I am?

I see my past
torturous and painful.
And I look at the people I left behind.

How is it that I don't feel what I felt then?
How is it that I have learnt not to give a damn?
How is it that I care so less?
How did I get out of the fanatical mess?

I only say 'Hi' to once whom I said 'I love you'
I unfriended  my one time best friend.
I stopped keeping a tab about their existence
and I have mastered the art to care less.

How did once so important are

now put on 'Move on' list,
My mistakes or theirs;
How did I learn to be okay?
I think...
Now I think..
What if they deserved another chance?
What if I had not been in such a hurry?

But then I think of their sharp words,
I think of their bitter deeds.
I think of their cold replies
and their other oh so essential needs.

My mistakes or theirs;
I seek for closure. 

To leave what is left of what it was.

To unburden the guilt of what was not to be.
They deserved polite goodbyes

to make myself come at peace.

And here I am with all the answers

to 'How I am what I am?



 

A Silver Lining.

Good things are about to happen. Somehow I can sense it.
Happiness is around the corner waiting to knock.
'Enough' life said. 'Enough of your emotional turmoils. You deserve some peace after all. I am here to get back your smile. I am here to bring back your faith in me. I am here to give you what you wished for'.
Life said 'I am your fairy godmother.'

May Be I Am Cursed

I find all my smile in tears,
cause that's all I have ever known.
and I fear happiness to the extent
I think may be it's just cursed.

I fear of being happy
I fear to laugh till the stomach hurts
I fear not crying
I fear when the days go smooth.

So I wait for the storms.
I wait for my life to give
a nice unexpected tumble.
I wait and evaluate who next closest to me
is going to hurt me in best way possible.

And there I am again fighting the unknown.
and there I am again tossing and turning
Battling my two minds, splitting myself.
Battling to hold on.
Battling to let go.
and it's exhausting.
These battles are exhausting.
This life is exhausting.
I am exhausting.

He was.. and now He is!!

I stared in void and despair
as I saw my past walk back to me....
He held my hand with all love
and said forever with you I want to be...

He said sorry a million times
He said he wouldn't leave again..
He promised a forever since that moment..
He said never will  be in pain..

He took me in his arms
He hugged me tight..
In his eyes I saw the love
I wanted to see all this very time..

I stared in void and blithe
as I saw my present walk to me...
He held my hand with all love
and said forever with me you have to be...

He said he loves me a million times
and that I will never see him leave..
He said I promised you a forever since the day we met
and in no pain since you have been...

He took me in his arms
He hugged me tight...
and he stared down at my past...
You had her and you lost her...
Leave now he said.. she is all mine...
She is all mine to keep...
From the day I found her
and from the day she confided in me
she is all mine to keep...
Leave now he said... she will be fine...
and In my present I saw the love
I wanted to see all this very time...




  

Choosing Not To Live

So here I stand divided
watching them fight over me.
And I stand dumb
as their words tear apart my soul
and I think will not death be sweeter than
this hanging sword.

So I stand here listening to their curses
how in every way I am wrong
how in every way I have betrayed.
I see them cry a million tears
and I think what if I close my eyes say forever
and this pain will somehow go away.

So here I stand exhausted, confused, broken
tired of proving myself every step till date.
All I want is a bit of rest.
All I ask is a road bit less of thorns.
All I ask is to let me find some peace.
All I ask is to let me live.
or let me die with a smile at least.

I Promised Myself.

She smiled at him from a distance "Sorry" she said "Too much traffic." "Looking at how stunning you look right now, i wouldn't mind waiting more."he said. She blushed and they were off with their conversation. "Can i ask you something personal? It may be too early you know. You can refuse to answer if you have a problem with it." she asked. "Go ahead." he said. "Well, you know i have been going through your Facebook profile. Don't mind. It seems there was someone in your life right? What happened?" she asked. He sat there quiet not looking into her. She was waiting patiently, giving him the time to make his decision whether he should come clean.
                        "Yes. I did. I really loved her." he said. "But we have said our goodbyes. I am leaving it all behind." "That's good" she said undisturbed "Just tell me what went wrong?" "My family didn't support me on this." he answered. "So you just left her?" she questioned him. "I had to. I had no choice." he said. "You always always have a choice"her voice raised. "How does it matter now? I told you i am leaving it all behind."
                        She sat there unmoved, stunned, praying he'd not be that guy. But he was 'that guy'. "That's it. Just like that you left her." she said. "It was an easy decision, wasn't it." "Why do you care so much about the past? he asked. "Yes oh dear. I care. I care because i know how it feels to be in that position. Because i know how it feels to be abandoned by reasons that make no sense. Because i know how it feels to be left out bleeding when he takes a decision to side by his family or shitty lame excuse of some career and not you. I have been there my dear in that exact same situation and i have been hurt. So don't ask me why i care? I care cause i promised myself i would find me a person who would commit, who would know when to stand by me. I promised myself i am not gonna destroy myself to another coward, to another run away. I promised myself i would find myself that one person on whom i could fall not having to doubt if he'd be there to catch me. I know my worth. I know i am worth a lot, that i am a good person and i didn't deserve this crap in the first place. I promised myself i am not going to let that happen to me again. So dear just tell me if you couldn't fight for that one best person you actually truly loved, how the hell do you expect me to believe you will ever fight for the next best thing? and she left the scene.    
                     

Her soul mate!

Lonesome and in closed walls
she sat not knowing what to feel...
She found him leaving her heart
she found herself happy...

Her soulmate was he..
His presence was everything..
And the betrayal she thought she'd never get over
slowly seemed nothing...

She loved him..
She loved him like crazy..
And now she struggled with his memories...

So she revived him by seeing their pictures together
May be this could make her miss him she thought..
But all she felt was a painful silence..
All she could revive was her painful past...


May be she was over her soulmate..
May be she was over him..
She deserved to be happy alone..
Never she imagined a day would come
where she would struggle to remember
how it felt being close to him...

Two States - Same State!

She walked into her room with words running her mind, desperate to pen them down she opened her heart and mind once again after a long gap of wordless living. A lot had happened over past few months. As busy as she was she had to give her mind its way to peace. She had to write.
             A day before she had been to this movie 2 States with her friends. If two people so different from different states could give a meaning to their relationship than why couldn't she and him from the same state, so alike couldn't? She remembered telling him we are suppose to watch this movie together to realize there was no together later. May be a part of her always knew he was going behave the same, no matter how many chances you give someone to correct their mistakes they are going to hurt you someday. A year back he broke it off saying he needed time, he needed to set his life straight. So she let him go. She was almost over him when he knocked on her door again begging her to give him a second chance and she did. Well! Her friends weren't happy. Obviously they wouldn't be. They had seen her suffer day and nights long and they didn't know why was she throwing herself in the painful pit yet another time. She had her reasons. In life may be you need to commit the same mistake again to make yourself believe that it was a mistake the first time.  She had to know if he could make this work for them. That she had made a right choice before choosing him as the one. May be after all the disappointments he could change her mind about him for once. May be later she didn't wanna regret or think 'What If she had given him a second chance?'

                   She still remembered the day he stood in front of her after eight long months. God! she had missed him so much. She gave a ear his side of story, his explanations and his tears. She heard all of it even the things he did not say. For a brief moment of time she relived those old memories which were suppressed in anger and hatred. She felt happy again, the feeling of belonging to someone, the feeling of telling someone how the day went, the feeling very close to love. She knew this was gonna end soon for she knew him. And yet again very true to her expectations he deceived her one more time. The same lame excuses were told, the same family issues shared. The only thing different this time was she held herself strong and it was she who broke it off now. She had to get out of this constant torture not knowing where her life was headed. She had to get out of his fake persona of him trying to figure out a way for them cause she could see there was no good future with him .That he is going to be a looser, he is going to be that person who can never take a stand and she didn't want to spend her life with some one so incapable of fighting for her. She deserved a lot better. May be in life for once you need to give your past another chance just to see if it could change your future and if it doesn't, you are happy you to know the past doesn't stand a chance in your future.
                   There are times when she misses him a lot, times when her eyes roll down a tear in his love. There is a part of her that always will be his. But sadly his bad luck its just 'a part' of her heart that will be his.