Waiting for a call

I glance at the phone a hundred times
hoping you will call me.
& every time the phone rings
my heart sinks cause i don't
find your name on screen.
I wish i'd hide my phone
to never find it.
But then i think what if you call.
so near me 'the stupid thing' i keep.
I keep it close to my pillow
so if at night you'd call
i'd answer to just hear your 'hi'.
Every morning i wake up
to see no missed call,silently in the shower i go & cry.
What happened to those noisy nights
What happened to "can't sleep without
hearing your good night"
What happened to "hey dear,wake up"
What happened to "hey sweets are you alright".
I am still here,
and you have left to never return.
If you'd have to leave then
why the hell did you teach me to love.
I still stare blank at the screen,
Still hoping may be someday you will change.
Deep inside i know i need to delete
the inbox & contact with your name...!!

Her One Demand!!

She had spoken to the guy a few times. They shared their likes,their dislikes,their expectations,their views about how'd they want their future to be. Agreeing on most of the aspects they finally decided to meet. She a beautiful elegant smart girl. Her wavy short hair and ecstatic smile made her personality shine. Well educated,independent with a job,focused and straight in affairs she was the modern age Cleopatra. He on the other hand was funny,handsome, outgoing fellow returned India to get married. And she was his first choice.
            The venue was fixed,the menu decided,everything was ready. She dressed up in a saree, waited for him and his family with a lot of excitement and expectations. Her mom was on cloud nine. For her he was just perfect. Her daughter would go to America. She would boast about it to a thousand relatives. His salary was good. His family wealthy and rich. It just couldn't get better. She warned her daughter "you better be polite and answer properly to whatever they ask.don't act oversmart". "They are not even here,and you already on their side" her daughter scowled.
            The guys family got a warm welcome. The tradition of introduction done. All was going well. All questions answered. The snacks and drinks served. Few jokes cracked,few doubts cleared. It was all merry. In the end the guy said i like the girl. All the eyes turned to her waiting for an approval. She said "yes,there is just one thing though. I would like him to do a few blood test.HIV and few others" in a matter of seconds there was a pin drop silence. No one spoke. Almost everyone sat with their mouths wide open not knowing how to react. After a minute or so the guys mother stood up in anger. "What is this non sense!" she shouted "You called here to insult us.what kind of demand is this.We got to leave". She commanded and everyone stood up. Her mother looked at her in rage. Everyone had got up except the guy. He sat there looking at her face. Her expressions. She sat there confident not disturbed by the mess she created. There was no hint of  guilt. He knew she was not wrong. "I will do the tests"he said.
            She smiled. His mom still angry couldn't believe her ears. Well neither could the others. "You are educated mother. You would have supported your daughter on this" he said "She has the right to know if she has doubts. I am after all some random person to her returned from USA. If she is opting for few safe steps i don't see anything wrong in that."
           The whole speech that she had prepared of the reasons she was asking for the right thing was down the drains. Her heart bottled up with joy. He supported her. He supported the right thing. All she was aware of was that she had found her soul mate. 

Random thoughts

We all have our ways to interpret
What goes on around us.
The right. The wrong.
The happy. The sad.
But somewhere they are just views
perceived differently.
There is a thin line in between.
May be i stand on one side.
May be i stand on both.
Its my decision.
Its always gonna be my life.
I can tell you the extent till
you can interfere.
& I expect you not to cross it.

Random thoughts

We all have our reasons to fall in love.
I have mine.
They say true love should be unconditional.
No ground rules..
No expectations..
Selfless...
Undying...
But i don't agree..
I confess i am selfish...
I will love you till the time you will...
The day you stop caring i won't bother to stay....
Cause i don't wanna live incomplete....
The only thing i can promise is
Till the time i am in love with you..
You will be loved like no other!!  

Quote

Love has its distinct endings... 
The Dilemma is when you don't know if you want to start it all over again!...

Getting over Him!

She sat alone in the shadows of the setting sun. The time of sunset was her favourite part of the day. For reasons unknown the sun always calmed her down and compelled her to think deep. Life,people,relations,complications. The thoughts she ignored all day along,somehow crept the surface then. She looked at the couples around her,their glowing glittering faces. The overflow of emotions of love. The phase when everything just seems to be alright.
              She felt lonely,sad and depressed. She was insanely jealous of them. The holding hands,the stupid fights,the cuddly make up. Ah! she missed it. She missed  him. Busy in the days work she mastered keeping him out of her mind. But the evenings got really heavy. He never seemed to leave her thoughts. The cheesy movies,the couples she saw on bikes,movies,gardens,the stories of her girlfriends and their partners,the intense bollywood love scenes. Every single thing made way for his thoughts. No matter how much she tried there was a part of her that just couldn't be convinced its over.
            She had stopped listening to songs,she had stopped watching romantic flicks,she had stopped calling her friends. Yet nothing seemed to work out. She felt secured in his arms,even his good night message made things straight. And now nothing remained,just the empty heart trying to hold on to the last bits of the memories they had made.
            He saw her sitting alone,walked upto her. Looking at her tears,he asked 'missing him again?'. She squeaked a yes. "Come here" he said hugging her "Don't worry. I will make you get over him."              

             

The War with One's Ownself

She never believed in people. All she ever thought was people come in your life to turn their back on you,hurt you till the pain becomes unbearable and leave you in misery. She had her reasons to think that way.. the unforgettable sad past where she had let someone close to her heart and he walked all over it. Somewhere we can't blame her. Our experiences make us who we are. Our choices determine who we become. She chose to be a hard ass. She seldom waited for anyone. Be it a friend or some random person. She'd quit before any grief could hit her. She unlike everyone could make a shield around herself so no emotions could penetrate and no person could hurt her. She had forgotten what it is to wait for a person. How to keep patience till things cool off and then be handled with the something called 'delicacy'. One slight hint of hurt and she backed out of relationships. Yet she could behave as if nothing had changed in her life. All was well.
               Life has the potential to change what we think. It molds us to be the right person. It throws us in scenarios we thought we had mastered. And then we realize our mastery was just another delusion. She fell in love again. And this time she actually cared for that person. He wasn't any other random guy who she'd be okay to leave. He had made his impression and vulnerable to his charm for once she had broken her shield. She cared,she laughed,after a long time she felt what it was to be 'in love'.
              Life plays us as puppets. Sometimes i feel it takes a retest just to check on how you deal with situations or rather to see if you learnt to deal with it the right way. He demanded some time off. He was in a mid life crisis. The race between fixing career and meeting the demands of your family. The struggle to make it to the top. The battle to fix what seems to be falling apart and in all this chaos relationship never seems to be a priority.
              She landed up in the same scenario as years before. The same place she loathed to be in. She was ready to put back on her shield but for the first time she hesitated,for she had known 'love' so close. This time she wanted to stay,to stick to him no matter how long he takes to get back on his feet. It was not easy for her. The waiting,the ignorance,his coldness towards her drained in his thoughts she secretly cried. There were times she decided to quit,there were times her anger,her past got the best of her. She even reacted but it was momentary. She'd calm down,say sorry to him and continue supporting him.
              In a way deep down it was a battle with her own self. The war to prove herself that atleast once she could make things work out. Atleast once she'd be brave enough to not quit. Atleast once she'd know what it is to be on the other side of a relationship where the issues settle and just love persists. This time she wasn't angry with life to push her back in misery. Instead she was happy she got a chance to prove her own beliefs wrong!!

         

random thoughts!

The only fear i have is you walking upto me and saying "this is it. 'Us' cannot happen."

The love,faith,time invested for me is too much to just leave it undone.

And if this nightmare ever becomes the reality

The damage would leave a wound no love can ever heal.

I count on you to keep your promises.

I count on you to not let me down.

I count on you to fight for us.

Am ready to be with you no matter what

just let me know you feel the same!!

stand up and fight!

Believe me! I could walk out on you right now without giving a dam to what hell hole you are in. But am trying my best to stick around so you aren't left out alone and depressed. Am trying to make conversations so you would feel fine,so you would stop pitying yourself for once, so you would pick yourself up, stop treating yourself as looser and fight this downfall with all the might you can.
            If i call you ten times its not cause am obsessed with you its because i really worry about you and i have made promises to you in the long run which i intent to keep. I have tolerated your tantrums and bad moods despite me not having a party of life. Stop behaving as the one with all the problems of the world on your shoulder, stop behaving as the one who has had the most depressed life ever. There are people who beg for two meals for a day. You aren't in a battle that can't be solved. You aren't in a scenario where you cant go back and change it all. You can still make it through with a head held high. You still have a chance to mend your mistakes and come out as a winner.
          For god's sake stop crying and making a fuss out of everything. Have some faith in yourself. Stand up for yourself and stop pissing me off. I am there through your bad times. No matter what. But don't make me feel as if am wasting my time for someone who doesn't deserve it. Don't make me feel as if am just some random person to you who cannot live without you. Believe me i can but i just don't choose to. So help yourself gear up in the battle to achieve your dreams and appreciate the people helping you to do it!!!

Astrology shit!!

Astrology- a science that predict's your future! Being a part of indian family,believe me its more of pain in the ass. There are few traditions in our culture i despise but this is the one which i hate from bottom of my heart. We have enough superstitions we gotta deal with.. and parents come up with a new one every time. We go to a astrologer to see if the couple planning to get married is compatible,we go to a astrologer to see if your cancer or aids will ever get cured, 'ohh you not having a baby,lets visit an astrologer'!
          It doesn't end there. They charge a huge deal from you,make you do non sense rituals for which again you shell out stacks of money and still nothing right happens. It makes my blood boil to see people yet not learning anything from it!
          The thing is i don't get the point in knowing what's gonna happen ahead. If its bad news,you sit and worry throughout to eventually spoil the good you have in present. I mean whose life isn't screwed? Tell me one person on earth who has never had ups and downs,who had never fallen on face to ground. Its impossible. We are humans. Since we are one,we are 'born' to face problems. We are born to suffer. We are born to get hurt. But that's the beauty of life. The beauty is still dusting your self up and standing saying 'its ok am alright'. The beauty is in getting hurt and still believing in opportunities. The beauty is in accepting the wrongs and downs that come your way. This is something which makes us a superhuman. Its something we need to be proud of.
        And for all the astrologers,let people live their life. Half the times you people are fake,ready to cash in on people's worries and people please we can't control life and death. But we can believe in faith,knowledge,friends,opportunities. We get to choose our decisions. We get chances to mend our mistakes. We get to follow our heart. Stop worrying what's gonna happen. Find yourself satisfied with your present cause no matter what astrology predicts,your life is what you make from it. Be happy. Be content. No one's life is perfect. It just can't be!!